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THEME BY LOSTMEMENTO
“I know that look. It’s the look I used to give people when they would ask me if Matty or Justin are my older brothers. It’ll get better once he moves out and you only see him on holidays.” She joked, turned to face Rocket, pulling her legs up under her. The girls seemed uncomfortable and Emmy didn’t know why. Then again, she didn’t know the girl well enough to know why she looked uncomfortable.
“It’s pretty good. It makes you feel pretty good about yourself. One of those things where you just kinda take a step back and realize that who you are is perfectly fine and always will be. Veronika’s got a very ‘fuck everyone, I’ll do as I please’ way about her.” Emmy said. She was pretty envious of Veronika, aside from the near-death experience part, and had always wanted to be like her. “Are you okay? You look uncomfortable or something. Are you cold or something?” She asked. She felt the air getting colder as the night went on, but Rocket had on a sweatshirt, so the cold air probably wasn’t hitting her so bad. “There’s a cafe a few blocks down if you wanna go get something to get?”
“Well, you know how it’s like then, yeah? You want to be your own person, but either way, people are still going to know you as the little sister,” Rocket wasn’t completely sure if that’s what Emmy was talking about feeling, when she said that she recognized ‘that look’ but part of her hoped it was. Having someone who got what it was like to put under that title would be nice. Not so she would have someone to complain about it to, no, but knowing that there was someone who got it was comforting in some weird way.
“I’ll have to pick it up at some point,” she said, making a mental note to actually do so. Still not sure if the book would be entirely helpful, but it was worth a shot right? Besides, reading it would give her something else to do besides wander around in the near middle of the night. “Are you okay? You look uncomfortable or something. Are you cold or something?” The words caught Rocket a little off guard, and stayed quiet as the other girl proposed heading to the cafe. “Yeah, it is getting a little chilly,” she lied, nodding, and hugging her arms together. “So, sure. Let’s go to this cafe”
“It’s really good. Actually, it’s fucking amazing. It’s all about perception and the way you see life and yourself and it’s really eye-opening. Honestly, everyone who has ever tried to commit suicide should be handed that book.” She said. She had read the book while sitting in the hospital with Vee after he had tried to kill himself and it gave her a little glimmer of hope. She’d read it to him, too, but she didn’t think he liked it nearly as much as she did. “It takes place at a mental institute and it’s about finding yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. It’s beautiful.”
“He’s great.” She said, smiling as she looked down at her hands. “Your brother is Jamie, right?” She asked. She wasn’t sure, but was also pretty hesitant to ask. She knew how much she hated being asked if she was Matt and Justin Fisher’s little sister. Rocket probably felt that same way. She hated when people didn’t regard her as her own person, instead just recognizing her as her brother’s baby sister.
“Oh really? Sounds interesting,” she said, nodding, and unconsciously tugged on the sleeves of her sweatshirt, making sure they covered her arms fully. The cutting wasn’t all that bad yet, and she definetly wasn’t near suicide, but something about the topic made her uncomfortable. It was like Emmy knew, even though she knew it was impossible. But she had just met her. Well, she had seen her before, yes, but as far as real conversations with Emmy, this was a first. She didn’t want to be seen as Vee’s younger friend, who was totally depressed. She just wanted to be Rocket again. Hell, she would even be Rosemary if it meant things could go back to the way they once were. Before she felt like this.
”Yup,” she said. She was used to the question, and the idea didn’t bother her as much as it used to. She wanted to be her own person, but people were going to constantly associate her brother, so why try and fight it? Instead, she just smiled softly and answered the question, “He’s my brother,”
“Sounds to me like you’ve read Veronika Decides To Die.” Emmy said, smiling softly. That book had been her favorite since she first picked it up. The way it was written to give the impression that normal was the new crazy and crazy was the new normal had always appealed to her. She loved the depth and truth about it, but most importantly, she loved that it gave her a reason to act any way she wanted to.
“Vee’s letting me stay with him, actually.” She told her, pulling at the sleeves of her sweater. She hadn’t told many people she was living with him and she wasn’t sure who all Vee had told, so she didn’t know if Rocket would know, or if she would even care. The main thing Emmy was worried about was Kat finding out and then throwing some sort of huge hissy fit over the whole thing. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with Kat at any time, especially not over a matter that came to Vee. After getting the hole put in her leg by Kat, she had decided she would rather not cross the girl again.
“Actually, no,” she said, giving the other girl a small shrug. “Not much of a reader I guess..” She trailed off, looking down again. She scratched the nape of her neck, trying to give her hands something do. She tended to get fidgety when she didn’t know what to say. “I’m guessing being partially crazy is part of it?”
“Oh nice,” she said nodding, “He’s a sweet guy,” She wasn’t close to all of her brother’s band mates, but Vee was one of the ones that didn’t just write her off as Jamie’s little sister. Plus, he was also the one that was willing to put up with her and teach her how to produce. An unrealistic dream, she knew that, but she liked that he didn’t just shoot it down.
“Eh, nothing wrong with being a lunatic. We’re even more fun than the average human.” She joked, giving the girl a small smile. She didn’t look too comfortable sitting out here, but Emmy didn’t want to ask her if anything was bothering, thinking that she probably wouldn’t want to talk about it if it were. She figured if it were bugging the girl enough, she’d spill when she wanted to.
“Couple nights a week. Used to be just the nights when my parents were home, but I don’t live there anymore. It’s just a tough habit to break.” She said, looking down at her hands, and messing with her nails. She hated the thought that her parents used to be able to run her out of her own house. She was more than glad that she wouldn’t have to deal with that anymore. Living with Vee took such a big weight off her shoulders and she was thankful to have him in her corner. She needed him so much more than she ever let on to.
Rocket laughed softly at the other girl’s joke, “Well yeah, everyone else just has to pretend they’re normal. Tell yourself you’re a lunatic? You can do whatever you want.” She leaned back into the bench, looking up at the tops of the trees and the glow of the stars as she spoke. It was nice out here, and she understood why Emmy liked it.
“Where you living now?” she asked. There were times when she loved her parents and family to death, but Rocket was your average teenager, so of course there were times when she wasn’t quite as fond of them. Tonight definetly was one of those times, so the idea of moving out sounded appealing. Not having to deal with people all the time. Being her own person. Honestly, it sounded like a pretty good set up. Only thing was, was that she would want it to make some sort of an impact, but she had the feeling it would just be her living the way she did now, still feeling unwanted and not good enough, just in an emptier house.
Emmy sat her guitar into it’s case slowly, looking over at Rocket. She had seen her a few times before, whenever the girl would be at Vee’s, so she was glad that it was someone she recognized instead of someone she didn’t know. She blushed when Rocket said she had a nice singing voice. She didn’t take compliments well, never knowing how she should respond. She had always been so self-conscious when it came to singing, but she was glad that at least the person who had caught her singing was someone she knew.
“Thank you.” She mumbled, closing the guitar case, and scooting over so that Rocket could sit down if she wanted to. “What are you doing out at this time? I thought I was the only lunatic that came out here this late.” She said, giving the girl a small smile. She had promised Vee that she would attempt to be nicer, especially to his friends, and she didn’t want to break her word to him.
“Just another lunatic, I guess,” she mumbled quiety, walking over and taking the seat left open for her. She wasn’t exactly sure what to say next, but she knew Emmy was close friends with Vee, so at least it was someone she sort of knew. She wasn’t going to have to introduce herself, or explain who she was, but it wasn’t someone who was close enough to be worried about why she was out at this time.
“Do you come out here a lot?” she asked, figuring it would be the nice thing to do, and not leave the poor girl hanging on some meaningless muttering. She could try for a little while, to keep the act of her old self up again, at least for a little while. And Emmy wouldn’t know if she messed up a little, so there wasn’t as much pressure that she would notice that something was wrong.
“I lose myself, I forget myself; Sometimes I fault myself. I might fight myself, but then I make amends. I freeze myself, rain on myself. Ok, so I stone myself. And, I might even find myself, but then again, what happens if I do? So unzip my pride, open me wide; So I can show this to you.” Emmy sang the words that she had loved so much as a child and strummed the guitar cords rhythmically, her voice echoing through the trees in the park. She didn’t like to sing for anyone, especially not if she didn’t know them well, so she would always sneak out here when she wanted to play. Steven probably wouldn’t like that, though. He was always complaining about never hearing her sing. This was the one thing that she had done for years. She loved sitting out here in the night, playing guitar and singing. She knew her parents would find her here, if they even came looking for her, so it was the perfect spot to play.
Her breath caught in her chest when she heard the sound of footsteps on the soft, wet grass. She had no idea who else would even want to come out here in the middle of the night, and frankly, she wasn’t so sure that she wanted to find out. Whoever it was had probably heard her playing, and that was what terrified her the most. She hated playing for people and the thought that someone may have heard her made her feel nauseous. She pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned against the back of the park bench, holding her guitar close to her chest, and staying still. If anyone was coming out here, it was more than likely that they wanted to be alone, just like she wanted, and she didn’t want to startle whoever it was.
Rocket slowly walked across the grass. It was late enough that there was already some dew on the grass, but not early enough to be morning. She has been wandering around all night, aimlessly, simply because she didn’t feel like heading back yet. That’s when she heard music, a soft voice singing, and a guitar accompanying it. She smiled, music had always been comforting, even when she didn’t know where it was coming from, although, she vaguely recognized the voice.
As she came around the corner of a tree, the music stopped abruptly, and she cautiously took the next few steps. She slipped her hands into the pockets of her jeans, as she poked her head around so she could see who it was, and lightly smiled when she spotted Emmy. ”You’ve got a good voice,” she commented, walking over to the other girl.
